Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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