I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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