I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
