good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You took a bar mat shot.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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