I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i think my cat just said my name.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
