She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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