My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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