I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
