I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
