Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
