I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
