You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
