i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
