i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
