she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
