This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
