roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
