I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Randomize
