She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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