I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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