i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
