Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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