From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You made out with two different species that night
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
