Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just invented taco cereal.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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