worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
