While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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