i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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