Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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