She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
