It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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