Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
