I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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