Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Farmville is her only friend.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
