Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
