I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
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explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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