Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
