My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
