I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
