The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
