Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
