Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
that may or may not have been my penis.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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