today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
