i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
