Cold hands, warm shart.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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