My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
