so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
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he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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