Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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