I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
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