I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
