Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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