some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
