Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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