I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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