textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
