You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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