Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Is it because I queefed?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
