I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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