Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
