dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
