The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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