If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
