Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
