fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
