The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
