party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
