Walk of Shame. In a state park.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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