I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
