Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
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